The smallest drop of water was once part of a dark storm cloud that was bigger than mountains. Give or take. It came from that cloud, and it will eventually be part of a new one. So storm clouds bring us the small drops of water, but what if a small drop of water brought a dark storm cloud all by itself?
So let’s say you, dear readers (all 4 of you), wake up to some annoyance. Say you were stirred out of bed by an annoyance of the dog taking a piss on the bathroom floor. Sure it sucks, is messy and smelly, and does not put one in a great mood on a Monday morning. Granted the only thing that usually can put one in a great mood at all in the A.M. on a Monday is being able to sleep right through it. What does one do when faced with this unpleasant hello to the long work week ahead? I imagine the normal answer would be to clean up the piss, maybe yell at the dog or at least get its ass off the bed, then crawling back into that bed in hopes of catching those last few, frustrating minutes of extra hitting-the-snooze-button sleep before slouching off to the morning ahead. What do I do though?
I get up, curse, slam doors, step in that piss, curse more, get it cleaned up, and then feel a floodgate of everything wrong (real or imagined, mostly imagined) in my life rushing into my head. As I am on my knees cleaing up dog piss I feel like life itself has me on my knees. Everything I could possibly not like about myself or my circumstances becomes the dark storm cloud that could hang over my head all day. It rains down doubt, fear, worry, about anything. It makes the worst case scenario for any number of things I am dealing with in life come to vivid, albiet imagined, life. The documentary (this one here) will never get finished, or if it is no one will ever watch it and it will go undistributed. None of my other work (like this script here) will ever be sold or made, I will be destined to work in some office forever with only vacation time or retirement to look forward to in life. I will always be broke, I will never be able to buy a house, I will never be able to get the ring I want for my fiancee, or give her and her son and myself comfortable lives. I will be in debt forever. I will never be satisfied with anything. I get angry with my fiancee because she’s upset at me being angry, and my head starts pulling that “Oh it’s ok for anyone else to be angry around here but not me!” bullshit.
All of this, simply from a moment of getting up annoyed due to the dog pissing in the bathroom, not even on carpet or hardwood floors at that.
This is how my life is more often than I want to admit. One little thing can trigger immense darkness in me. One little thing can make me feel angry at the world for me having to exist in it. One little bother can make me think of only the bad, and can cause me to imagine the worst needlessly. This small droplet of water becomes a dark storm cloud. Guess in this instance it was a small puddle of dog piss that became a dark storm cloud, but still. This is part of the clinical depression and anxiety I fight with. Some days are indeed better than others. Sure, my life as a film maker ever hangs on the edge of oblivion, sure I am in fact rather more broke than I ever had been, at least since college, and sure there’s plenty more I wish was better. That’s just life though. I just have a tricky time dealing with life once in a while. Ok, fairly often. I know I’m not alone though. If there’s one thing someone struggling with depression can be good at, it’s keeping it out of the judgmental gaze of the world around them.
But you know what? For whatever reason I also can’t give up. I am working on this depression thing, even if in small steps. I find a way to keep working on the film. I keep going to the day job. I get up off of my knees, maybe punch the wall, then get on with the day.